I feel this as a wife of a first responder. Sadly, he felt he couldn’t share everything, so he held it in, and in the long run, was unfaithful. Now we are starting the process of separation with likely divorce to follow. He had some deep wounds from childhood and the job, which exposed him to so much sadness, made things worse. I don’t even recognize him anymore. He isn’t the man I said “I do” to. And God knows I tried. I was the one who always initiated repair after conflict because, if I didn’t, there would be silence for days. I have felt that I carry most of the emotional weight within the relationship and I am so tired. I even tried to make the marriage work after betrayal but it is hard. So much healing needed and I am literally just surviving, and feeling so alone.
This article hits the nail on the head! My wife of 42 years has experienced the aftermath of my career choices. Living overseas raising children during five years of deployment. She prayed for me during LE task force operations, she experienced and fought through my self imposed isolation and the challenges I faced from seeing and experiencing things that a man should never have to see. She once heard breaking news on the radio of two officers killed in the line of duty during an operation where she knew I was the lead entry team officer. She thought her world had crumbled in an instant.
We have argued and fought through the tears. She has endured more than any wife should have to endure. But we have struggled and survived through these years because we put God first in our relationship. If I were asked by God to make some editorial revisions to Proverbs, I would add a few extra verses to Proverbs 31, right in between verse 11 and 12 and it would look something like this- "11. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. [She binds her husbands wounds with love. She anoints his battle scars with salve. She removes her husbands sword and armor and encircles him with peace and comfort. He praises her before the King and honors her above all others!]
12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
To every veteran and first responder, look at your wife or husband through a different lens and try to understand how they possibly manage to live and love through the myriad of traumas that we see on a daily basis! Often, they can never understand the trauma, they just witness the pain and aftermath. Help them understand. Give them opportunity to love you back to a safe and wholesome space!
I'm a retired LEO. It also pertains to women who try to share what we have seen and experienced with our spouses so that they do not become alienated. The job can drive a massive wedge between spouses if there is poor or no communication. It can also be especially difficult for women who are not married to a man in LE or any enforcement career, for the husband to accept, digest, and attempt to understand the traumas and danger that his wife deals with in her career. Pray for all LEO marriages. It is a noble calling but it places a tremendous weight on the marriage and the family unit as a whole. God bless you all. 🙏🏼
I think women have it worse than men when it comes to spousal support. Between the kids and a spouse who has a hard time having a wife who is a cop, it wrecks them. I 100% agree with you about communication. The old school, my generation, view of never telling your family anything is flat out wrong and we see that in the suicide rates.
Absolutely. Communication is key. It is far worse to bottle it up or not even attempt to include your spouse. Even in the best of intentions to protect or shield your spouse, refusing to communicate about the "job" leads to problems. Pray for good communication and understanding. Pray for God's Wisdom. Trust God. Trust your spouse.
Thank you Keith! I'm learning so much from what you share. May God continue to bless you, your family, and the work of your hands.
I feel this as a wife of a first responder. Sadly, he felt he couldn’t share everything, so he held it in, and in the long run, was unfaithful. Now we are starting the process of separation with likely divorce to follow. He had some deep wounds from childhood and the job, which exposed him to so much sadness, made things worse. I don’t even recognize him anymore. He isn’t the man I said “I do” to. And God knows I tried. I was the one who always initiated repair after conflict because, if I didn’t, there would be silence for days. I have felt that I carry most of the emotional weight within the relationship and I am so tired. I even tried to make the marriage work after betrayal but it is hard. So much healing needed and I am literally just surviving, and feeling so alone.
Thank you, Keith! My wife has been a trusted friend and companion for 56 years. She has helped me bare many burdens over the years.
Keith,
This article hits the nail on the head! My wife of 42 years has experienced the aftermath of my career choices. Living overseas raising children during five years of deployment. She prayed for me during LE task force operations, she experienced and fought through my self imposed isolation and the challenges I faced from seeing and experiencing things that a man should never have to see. She once heard breaking news on the radio of two officers killed in the line of duty during an operation where she knew I was the lead entry team officer. She thought her world had crumbled in an instant.
We have argued and fought through the tears. She has endured more than any wife should have to endure. But we have struggled and survived through these years because we put God first in our relationship. If I were asked by God to make some editorial revisions to Proverbs, I would add a few extra verses to Proverbs 31, right in between verse 11 and 12 and it would look something like this- "11. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. [She binds her husbands wounds with love. She anoints his battle scars with salve. She removes her husbands sword and armor and encircles him with peace and comfort. He praises her before the King and honors her above all others!]
12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
To every veteran and first responder, look at your wife or husband through a different lens and try to understand how they possibly manage to live and love through the myriad of traumas that we see on a daily basis! Often, they can never understand the trauma, they just witness the pain and aftermath. Help them understand. Give them opportunity to love you back to a safe and wholesome space!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I'm a retired LEO. It also pertains to women who try to share what we have seen and experienced with our spouses so that they do not become alienated. The job can drive a massive wedge between spouses if there is poor or no communication. It can also be especially difficult for women who are not married to a man in LE or any enforcement career, for the husband to accept, digest, and attempt to understand the traumas and danger that his wife deals with in her career. Pray for all LEO marriages. It is a noble calling but it places a tremendous weight on the marriage and the family unit as a whole. God bless you all. 🙏🏼
I think women have it worse than men when it comes to spousal support. Between the kids and a spouse who has a hard time having a wife who is a cop, it wrecks them. I 100% agree with you about communication. The old school, my generation, view of never telling your family anything is flat out wrong and we see that in the suicide rates.
Absolutely. Communication is key. It is far worse to bottle it up or not even attempt to include your spouse. Even in the best of intentions to protect or shield your spouse, refusing to communicate about the "job" leads to problems. Pray for good communication and understanding. Pray for God's Wisdom. Trust God. Trust your spouse.
Thank you Keith! I'm learning so much from what you share. May God continue to bless you, your family, and the work of your hands.